What Makes It So Easy to Judge?
A Look at the Shadows We Share
Why is judgment—of others and ourselves—so easy, almost automatic?
Sometimes it happens before we realize it: a snap reaction, a quiet dismissal, a harsh inner voice. And while we might try to rationalize it, judgment often isn’t born of clarity or wisdom—it’s born of discomfort. More often than not, we judge what we don’t understand… or what we secretly fear lives inside of us.
The Shadows We Avoid
We’ve talked before about the shadow—the parts of ourselves we don’t want to face. The anger, envy, shame, insecurity, neediness, or fear. We try to edit those parts out of our self-image, shoving them into the dark so we can walk around in the light.
But shadows don’t disappear just because we ignore them. They show up sideways—through projection, criticism, and comparison. That internal rejection of our own “unacceptable” parts often becomes externalized. We see someone else being loud or needy or vulnerable, and something inside tightens: “Ugh, I would never…” But maybe, deep down, we have. Or we do. We just don’t want to admit it.
Judgment, then, becomes a form of disowning.
Alan Watts and the Dance of Light and Dark
Philosopher Alan Watts often spoke of the relationship between opposites—not as enemies, but as partners in a dance. He used the symbol of yin and yang to illustrate how light and dark are not separate but inseparable. They define each other. One can’t exist without the other.
Watts once said, “The light and the dark, the positive and the negative, are as inseparable as the crest and trough of a wave.” In other words, to try and separate yourself from your shadow is to misunderstand your own wholeness.
When we reject our darker parts, we end up living in 2D—flattened versions of ourselves, performative and incomplete. But when we start to see in “3D,” we embrace complexity. We realize we’re not all good or all bad—we’re both. We’re evolving. We contain contradictions. And that’s not a failure; it’s human.
From Self-Acceptance to Compassion for Others
Here’s the shift: when we stop running from ourselves, we start softening toward others.
When we make peace with our own anger, we have more room for someone else’s outburst. When we’ve met our own fear, we don’t shame someone else for theirs. Compassion isn’t about being endlessly nice—it’s about being deeply honest, and recognizing that most people are navigating pain they don’t fully understand, just like we are.
This isn’t to say we shouldn’t set boundaries or speak truth. But judgment—the cold, cutting kind—tends to lose its edge when we’ve learned to hold our own flaws with grace.
An Invitation
Next time you catch yourself judging—whether it’s a stranger, a friend, or your own reflection—pause. Ask gently:
- What does this reaction reveal about me?
- Is there something in me I haven’t fully accepted?
- Can I offer curiosity instead of criticism?
The more we can look at ourselves in our full complexity—light and shadow, joy and pain—the more we can see others in theirs. And from that place, connection becomes possible. Not perfect, but real.
